Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Conflicting emotions and my family

Well it's been another busy week in Rocket Land.

I've been doing my usual cooking muffins a zillion times better than the stuff in the shops, caring for my darlink toddler and keeping house while practicing away. My piano pieces have improved tenfold, although they still have a way to go. But I'm looking forward to my exam, which is something I don't say very often.

I'm so used to cruising through on my intelligence, that I've never been into my study, but that's an essay for another day. For now, it's enough to know that I'm enjoying working hard.

I've also been procrastinating. Oh sure, there were days when I was itching to write, but just exhausted. But the past 2 days have been spent itching to write but nervous about probing into my deepest emotions, lest I depress myself. I'm also reluctant to expose myself in public, so I've been nervous about sharing these feelings.

Most of my inspiration comes from my family, which is hard because I don't want to tell the world about my relationships. I've written about this before - it's one thing to sing about relationships and feelings, and another to share intimate details. But the emotions are either true or false. Either way feels strange.

Like most families, there are mixed feelings. My partner and I have recently separated, and I don't know if it's forever. There's love, hope, regret, anger, jealousy, guilt, warmth, attraction, romance... as in every relationship, a number of feelings appear at different times as we have different phases. When we're getting along, it's a summer song about cuddling up and watching star trek together, him admiring the Captain's discipline while I check out Frakes. Yes, we're TNG fans. He promised to start collecting DS9 which I know he'll enjoy, but he never got around to it. When we're not getting along, there may be misunderstandings or arguments... and they hurt.

There are dozens of ways to look at our relationship. Maybe we will be one of those wonderful husband-wife teams that take on the world and change it for the better. Or maybe I should allow my mentor to introduce me to a nice professor of the humanities. Or I could go out dancing tonight and meet another reckless teenage girl looking for some fun in life.

My main emotion is disappointment. I have such high hopes for us!

So I've been drinking coffee and digging deep. It's depressing, so I'm a little depressed. But I'm hoping to write it all out soon. I've got three weeks to get my lyrics together AND start composing music. All this while I write, practice, sew, cook and try to get some employment.

Another conflict is where am I going to live and what am I going to do?

Right now, I live in a city where the university has a world-class maths department. Possibly the world's best, depending on what you like. People come here to do honours and find themselves back in second-year classes! But I hate the city. If I move to the big smoke, I'll be home... it's not that I'm unwelcome here, just that there's no place here that's welcoming. The university is a tiny enclave in a big mess of no talent, no imagination copycats who want to feel like they're living the good life but don't know what that really means. There are few people here that I want to spend time with, and they live the student life which I'm not involved in. Even as a student, I'd only be happy living on campus, which I don't and probably can't...

Then there's music versus maths versus family. I'd give it all up for my family, although I don't know if that's an option. I can write, create and express myself and feel fulfilled with my family. Studying maths won't give me that, and I don't know if being creative on its own will really do it either. I've always wanted to be a scientist. I want to study maths and data analysis so I can do physics or other sciences, probably involving computers.

Thing is, if I'm here I don't need to choose. I can apply for enrolment in B Music/B Science. It's perfect - the best maths in the country, combined with music tuition from my mentor's colleagues! Everyone knows you make your own fun and your own friends, so I could really get to enjoy it. But what if he has to work in the city? What if I can't make friends?

These conflicts are certainly fertile ground for new songs to come from, but sharing them feels a bit like making love for the first time - I'm so scared that I'm not sure when I'll be ready to share myself with my listeners.

So I'll be around town with my notebook at some stage, and I'll be scribbling and crossing out for the next few weeks.

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